1. |
deja vu
02:48
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four more doors and a keycard
several floors, all these new guardrails
between the street and home
between the street and home
home, home
still trying to define it, still trying to find it
still trying to define it, still trying to find it
and i'm spending even more time googling ulcers, feeling nauseous
i think my body is fighting me-- how could i blame it?
an unreliable narrator dry-heaving in an elevator
don't adjust your dials, it's not deja vu, it's just the same shit
trying to mark what is just me
and what's sparked up by my disease
'cause if there is a line
if there is a line, i'm
still trying to define it, still trying to find it
still trying to define it, still trying to find it
find it
carpet fibres underneath my fingernails & bits of greasy scalp and hair
like basslines under looping questions:
can i walk without stumbling? can i talk without mumbling?
can absolution come without repentance, just confession?
if i die before i wake
at least i won't be as shaky
my hands would finally still
my hands would finally still
ill, ill
but my cat greets me at the door when i get home after work
and i wake up to his purring body curled near my ear
his love, of course, is gratifying, and equal parts terrifying
christ, there's a life in my hands, i need to stay here
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2. |
6 am 2 ns
03:53
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it's not that odd, historically
for a lot of my time to be devoted to thoughts of you and me, obsessively
i like to think that lately, it's been a little more healthy
it's not that i think i've got everything figured out
i haven't untangled this knot
it's still fraught
i haven't forgot a lot of things i know i ought to
i got a little bit wiser, and older, too
and i loved you too much
i think i don't want us to be together
i think that i mean that, for once, honestly
i don't want you to love me
i don't want us to be "we"
it's just weird that we won't be
i got a little bit wiser, and older, too
and i loved you too much to not get over
i got a little bit jaded, and bolder, too
and i loved you too much to not get over you
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3. |
bloodletting
02:22
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laying in bed with my feet up, a little bit beat up
unable to sleep
my bones are yelling at me, my body's not happy
but bodies are weak
i wash my work clothes in the sink
and i drink
always pushing myself harder
'cause i love to be a martyr
cracking shoes and tearing pockets
rather die than ever stop it
rather die than most things
chugging coffee and crashing, hysterically laughing
not quite knowing why
bored of people expressing their worries and blessings
the looks in their eyes
i come home just to lie about
and black out
knowing suicide is a sin
but not dying of exhaustion
make my tension into a crown
rather die than ever slow down
rather die than most things
rather die than most things
if you throw yourself off a bridge
everyone will call you selfish
if you work yourself to death
everyone will be impressed
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4. |
[nightmare interlude]
01:05
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i have this dream
that you bang on my door and yell "we need to talk about hallowe'en"
816 816
you're dressed in green
not when i see you, but every time i replay the scene
816 816
and it's not great.
when we share an elevator, i sometimes sweat and shake
16 8 16 8 16 8
but like, it's fine
honestly, who has the time
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5. |
windmills
02:48
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it's not all bad news
at least i'm saving a lot on food
and dust can't settle on a couch you don't have
it's not all bad, it's not all bad
i can see windmills from my window
and i am trying to take it slow
on the tarmac, i see the crowds glow
in the late night lamp light tableau
i still take care
i brush the mats from my hair
while i'm wallowing in the tub
i still care, i still care
i see the sunset and the sunrise
and i am working on my goodbyes
from the sidewalk, i hear the crowds howl
part and apart from all the night owls
it's not all bad news
it's not all bad, it's not all bad
i can see windmills from my window
i can see windmills
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6. |
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footsteps bleeding together
bare skin bared to the weather
please next time wear a sweater
coat check exists for a reason
lock your arms and your fingers
don't let in the cold 'cause it lingers
watch out for each other and ice and car blinkers
this is a dangerous season
get home safe
get home safe
take care of each other, get to a warm place
get home safe
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people you meet outside of bars Ottawa, Ontario
hi we're people you meet outside of bars & i'm satah. welcome to gay goth vibes dot online, my collection of big feelings. i like to sing about stuff that hearts do, like stopping forever or breaking or going too fast
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