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1.
02:48
four more doors and a keycard several floors, all these new guardrails between the street and home between the street and home home, home still trying to define it, still trying to find it still trying to define it, still trying to find it and i'm spending even more time googling ulcers, feeling nauseous i think my body is fighting me-- how could i blame it? an unreliable narrator dry-heaving in an elevator don't adjust your dials, it's not deja vu, it's just the same shit trying to mark what is just me and what's sparked up by my disease 'cause if there is a line if there is a line, i'm still trying to define it, still trying to find it still trying to define it, still trying to find it find it carpet fibres underneath my fingernails & bits of greasy scalp and hair like basslines under looping questions: can i walk without stumbling? can i talk without mumbling? can absolution come without repentance, just confession? if i die before i wake at least i won't be as shaky my hands would finally still my hands would finally still ill, ill but my cat greets me at the door when i get home after work and i wake up to his purring body curled near my ear his love, of course, is gratifying, and equal parts terrifying christ, there's a life in my hands, i need to stay here
2.
03:53
it's not that odd, historically for a lot of my time to be devoted to thoughts of you and me, obsessively i like to think that lately, it's been a little more healthy it's not that i think i've got everything figured out i haven't untangled this knot it's still fraught i haven't forgot a lot of things i know i ought to i got a little bit wiser, and older, too and i loved you too much i think i don't want us to be together i think that i mean that, for once, honestly i don't want you to love me i don't want us to be "we" it's just weird that we won't be i got a little bit wiser, and older, too and i loved you too much to not get over i got a little bit jaded, and bolder, too and i loved you too much to not get over you
3.
02:22
laying in bed with my feet up, a little bit beat up unable to sleep my bones are yelling at me, my body's not happy but bodies are weak i wash my work clothes in the sink and i drink always pushing myself harder 'cause i love to be a martyr cracking shoes and tearing pockets rather die than ever stop it rather die than most things chugging coffee and crashing, hysterically laughing not quite knowing why bored of people expressing their worries and blessings the looks in their eyes i come home just to lie about and black out knowing suicide is a sin but not dying of exhaustion make my tension into a crown rather die than ever slow down rather die than most things rather die than most things if you throw yourself off a bridge everyone will call you selfish if you work yourself to death everyone will be impressed
4.
i have this dream that you bang on my door and yell "we need to talk about hallowe'en" 816 816 you're dressed in green not when i see you, but every time i replay the scene 816 816 and it's not great. when we share an elevator, i sometimes sweat and shake 16 8 16 8 16 8 but like, it's fine honestly, who has the time
5.
02:48
it's not all bad news at least i'm saving a lot on food and dust can't settle on a couch you don't have it's not all bad, it's not all bad i can see windmills from my window and i am trying to take it slow on the tarmac, i see the crowds glow in the late night lamp light tableau i still take care i brush the mats from my hair while i'm wallowing in the tub i still care, i still care i see the sunset and the sunrise and i am working on my goodbyes from the sidewalk, i hear the crowds howl part and apart from all the night owls it's not all bad news it's not all bad, it's not all bad i can see windmills from my window i can see windmills
6.
footsteps bleeding together bare skin bared to the weather please next time wear a sweater coat check exists for a reason lock your arms and your fingers don't let in the cold 'cause it lingers watch out for each other and ice and car blinkers this is a dangerous season get home safe get home safe take care of each other, get to a warm place get home safe

about

tiny monthly themed ep 8/12

for eight months, i lived in an apartment in the ugliest and tallest building in the city. it had a picture window and i had two jobs. the walls were so thin that the only instrument i could pick up was the ukulele and these are the songs i wrote on it about & during that time

(recorded all in one mildly fumbling go at the kitchen table at my new place. august and september were full of illness and moving and the death of both a family member and my laptop, so i just wanted to finally get this up. i don't normally qualify these things but i wanted to thank you for your patience and understanding, smooches)

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released September 18, 2016

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people you meet outside of bars Peterborough, Ontario

hi, i'm satah. welcome to gay goth vibes dot online, my collection of big feelings. i like to sing about stuff that hearts do, like stopping forever or breaking or going too fast or whatever

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