i don't know what i'm hiding from

by people you meet outside of bars

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about

tiny monthly themed ep 11/12

there are so many things to be afraid of

credits

released December 20, 2016

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people you meet outside of bars Peterborough, Ontario

this is a person you meet outside of bars and they like to yell while hitting things that have strings

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Track Name: the freezing
baby, the snow is falling & it's keeping me awake
it crackles & it flickers in its muffled, staticky way
how am i supposed to sleep as frost forms on the pane?
how could i ever close my eyes without the comfort of the rain?

my alarm will go off in two and a half hours
i pray for a snow day with all of my power

i can hear it freezing, can't you?

i'm a breakdown in the making: my entire body's shaking
& i'd say the earth was quaking if the walls weren't standing sitll
i'd take something to stop the aching if i weren't feeling ill
i think my fever might be breaking but i'll need another pill

can't relax, can't sleep
tried meditation, tried counting sheep
but my eye has a twitch and i don't mean to complain
but i've developed an itch in the middle of my brain

might give in
might get spacy
it might be easier, but i'm too lazy

i can feel it building, there's this flutter deep inside
the shaky achy hands are getting hard to hide
if i come apart in front of you, there's nothing much that you can do
but please send this message to the masses:

it's alright! it's ok! she's just a little shook up today
it's alright! it's all ok! move along folks, there's nothing to say

all that needs doing is the sewing together
i'm perfectly fine, just under the weather

all that needs doing is to warm the hot glue
i'm doing just fine, just a little bit blue

all that needs doing is a patch or a graft (i can hear it freezing, can't you?)
i'm finding my way, i just strayed from the path (i can hear it freezing, can't you?)

i can feel it building, there's this tension deep inside
Track Name: effigy (silly me)
i've been waiting for so long, i can't remember what i need

i seem to recall a girl and her ragged doll
its face eroded & colourless from the friction of every goodnight kiss

it had stitches up & down the lengths of its limbs
cotton gently pushed at the seams of its hips

the girl's nighttime caress hardened its fingers & softened its chest
she shut out the darkness of the night with a cocoon of blankets & a yellowing flashlight

but now, she's either lost track of it, or decided that sharp & vibrant
is better than faded but comfortable
Track Name: i'm sure
i will take my shovel to the beach
dig a hole, and lay inside
rest my head on my tired arms
and quietly wait for the tide

and when the waves roll in
i'll exhale and close my eyes
and smile at the tune
for the montage of my life

someone says, "you need some help
"i know a group that meets on thursday"
i say, "thanks, but i'm ok
"i don't like free coffee that much anyway

"and i'm not aggressively suicidal
"it's just something that comes up when my hands are idle
"it's not something i actively chase
"it's just something; it just fills the space"

i talk to my piano
i tell it that i feel alone and
blame my moods on chemicals
thc and serotonin

"maybe everyone is sad," i say
"maybe i just think about it more
"i mean, everyone, while on a bridge
"will consider jumping, i'm sure"

i'm sure
Track Name: well, we'll see
this fucking store brand green tea is giving me a headache
it was supposed to calm me down
your message was four hours ago and my bed is made
you were supposed to come around

can i keep this up? well, we'll see.
can i at least keep up? well, we'll see.

it's useless-- just breathe, just breathe-- what kind of advice is that?
lifeguards don't yell out, "just don't sink"
try yoga! try chamomile! try eating fewer trans fats!
just relax, just try not to think

can i keep this up? well, we'll see.
can i at least keep up? well, we'll see.
well, we'll see

we'll see how things change when i move away
we'll see if i can see without you standing in front of me

i cry so hard i dry heave, despite the soothing lighting
of morning building brick by brick
i'm hiding under my desk, you and a migraine fighting
for what will finally make me sick

can i keep this up? well, we'll see.
can i at least keep up? well, we'll see.
well, we'll see

we'll see what things are like when i'm out of town
we'll see if it's you or me who keeps on bringing me down

fever dreams and nostalgia: i think of you at sixteen
& me only months your senior
you said, "love's such a big word; i barely know what it means"
i'm older, but you're much meaner

can i keep this up? well, we'll see.
can i at least keep up? well, we'll see.
well, we'll see. well, we'll see. well, we'll see. well, we'll see.
Track Name: god help me
i don't know what i'm hiding from
i don't know what i'm hiding from
i don't know what i'm hiding from
but god help me if it finds me

a closed door, a covered window, a bare mattress smelling of stale sweat
a scribbled inventory of bad things, heart-racing events
and some frights that haven't happened yet
a dead phone, an unscrewed light bulb
running from the sound of footsteps on the stairs
piles of bottles, unwashed dishes, greasy hair

i don't know what i'm hiding from
missed call icons, unread mail, open spaces, or solitude, or crowds
or maybe bathroom scales

i don't know what i'm hiding from
i don't know what i'm hiding from
i don't know what i'm hiding from
god help me if it finds me

i don't know what i'm hiding from
i don't know what i'm hiding from
god help me if it finds me
god help me anyway

the only thing that helps me breathe is ruining my lungs
it's ruining my tongue
i'm ruining everything and everyone
god help me, anyway

i don't know what i'm hiding from
i don't know what i'm hiding from
i don't know what i'm hiding from
god help me if it finds me

i don't know what i'm hiding from
i don't know what i'm hiding from
god help me if it finds me
god help me anyway