i don't know what i'm hiding from

by people you meet outside of bars

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1.
02:40
baby, the snow is falling & it's keeping me awake it crackles & it flickers in its muffled, staticky way how am i supposed to sleep as frost forms on the pane? how could i ever close my eyes without the comfort of the rain? my alarm will go off in two and a half hours i pray for a snow day with all of my power i can hear it freezing, can't you? i'm a breakdown in the making: my entire body's shaking & i'd say the earth was quaking if the walls weren't standing sitll i'd take something to stop the aching if i weren't feeling ill i think my fever might be breaking but i'll need another pill can't relax, can't sleep tried meditation, tried counting sheep but my eye has a twitch and i don't mean to complain but i've developed an itch in the middle of my brain might give in might get spacy it might be easier, but i'm too lazy i can feel it building, there's this flutter deep inside the shaky achy hands are getting hard to hide if i come apart in front of you, there's nothing much that you can do but please send this message to the masses: it's alright! it's ok! she's just a little shook up today it's alright! it's all ok! move along folks, there's nothing to say all that needs doing is the sewing together i'm perfectly fine, just under the weather all that needs doing is to warm the hot glue i'm doing just fine, just a little bit blue all that needs doing is a patch or a graft (i can hear it freezing, can't you?) i'm finding my way, i just strayed from the path (i can hear it freezing, can't you?) i can feel it building, there's this tension deep inside
2.
i've been waiting for so long, i can't remember what i need i seem to recall a girl and her ragged doll its face eroded & colourless from the friction of every goodnight kiss it had stitches up & down the lengths of its limbs cotton gently pushed at the seams of its hips the girl's nighttime caress hardened its fingers & softened its chest she shut out the darkness of the night with a cocoon of blankets & a yellowing flashlight but now, she's either lost track of it, or decided that sharp & vibrant is better than faded but comfortable
3.
03:58
i will take my shovel to the beach dig a hole, and lay inside rest my head on my tired arms and quietly wait for the tide and when the waves roll in i'll exhale and close my eyes and smile at the tune for the montage of my life someone says, "you need some help "i know a group that meets on thursday" i say, "thanks, but i'm ok "i don't like free coffee that much anyway "and i'm not aggressively suicidal "it's just something that comes up when my hands are idle "it's not something i actively chase "it's just something; it just fills the space" i talk to my piano i tell it that i feel alone and blame my moods on chemicals thc and serotonin "maybe everyone is sad," i say "maybe i just think about it more "i mean, everyone, while on a bridge "will consider jumping, i'm sure" i'm sure
4.
this fucking store brand green tea is giving me a headache it was supposed to calm me down your message was four hours ago and my bed is made you were supposed to come around can i keep this up? well, we'll see. can i at least keep up? well, we'll see. it's useless-- just breathe, just breathe-- what kind of advice is that? lifeguards don't yell out, "just don't sink" try yoga! try chamomile! try eating fewer trans fats! just relax, just try not to think can i keep this up? well, we'll see. can i at least keep up? well, we'll see. well, we'll see we'll see how things change when i move away we'll see if i can see without you standing in front of me i cry so hard i dry heave, despite the soothing lighting of morning building brick by brick i'm hiding under my desk, you and a migraine fighting for what will finally make me sick can i keep this up? well, we'll see. can i at least keep up? well, we'll see. well, we'll see we'll see what things are like when i'm out of town we'll see if it's you or me who keeps on bringing me down fever dreams and nostalgia: i think of you at sixteen & me only months your senior you said, "love's such a big word; i barely know what it means" i'm older, but you're much meaner can i keep this up? well, we'll see. can i at least keep up? well, we'll see. well, we'll see. well, we'll see. well, we'll see. well, we'll see.
5.
03:20
i don't know what i'm hiding from i don't know what i'm hiding from i don't know what i'm hiding from but god help me if it finds me a closed door, a covered window, a bare mattress smelling of stale sweat a scribbled inventory of bad things, heart-racing events and some frights that haven't happened yet a dead phone, an unscrewed light bulb running from the sound of footsteps on the stairs piles of bottles, unwashed dishes, greasy hair i don't know what i'm hiding from missed call icons, unread mail, open spaces, or solitude, or crowds or maybe bathroom scales i don't know what i'm hiding from i don't know what i'm hiding from i don't know what i'm hiding from god help me if it finds me i don't know what i'm hiding from i don't know what i'm hiding from god help me if it finds me god help me anyway the only thing that helps me breathe is ruining my lungs it's ruining my tongue i'm ruining everything and everyone god help me, anyway i don't know what i'm hiding from i don't know what i'm hiding from i don't know what i'm hiding from god help me if it finds me i don't know what i'm hiding from i don't know what i'm hiding from god help me if it finds me god help me anyway

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tiny monthly themed ep 11/12

there are so many things to be afraid of

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released December 20, 2016

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people you meet outside of bars Peterborough, Ontario

hi, i'm satah. welcome to gay goth vibes dot online, my collection of big feelings. i like to sing about stuff that hearts do, like stopping forever or breaking or going too fast or whatever

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