1. |
like any other
03:01
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love feels an awful lot like fear
is it supposed to?
i barely breathe when you are near
do i engross you?
who i am in the morning doesn't recognise myself at night
who i am without warning when i see your smile in the moonlight
love feels familiar to me now
it's like grieving
it doesn't matter, anyhow
you'll be leaving
who am i when i'm walking past your house while i call your phone?
who am i now i'm balking at the thought of being alone?
love feels like any other doubt
it consumes me
you're not all that i think about
but you'll soon be
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2. |
liveonline
02:14
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sorting through all these rotting boxes of photos
yellowed paperwork and letters
i guess i'll mostly leave behind data when i go
is that any better?
do not stand at my grave and weep, i am not there
i'm in the code, i'm in the symbols
i'm in stuff i don't understand that travels through the air
i'm in the signal
nothing changes
i've always been just words
text on pages is where i live
& it's where i am interred
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3. |
prodigal
01:56
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old streets, old anxieties
what if we meet?
can't relax, can't be at ease
what if someone's looking out their window?
what if someone tries to come say hello?
what if they know? what do they know?
old coat, new anxieties
stuck in my throat
bitter friends, bitter enemies
lick my lips a little bit too often
steel my gaze & do not let it soften
nobody knows. what could they know?
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4. |
built
04:35
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we're only built for pity
not to receive love
skulking 'round a city
we'll never be part of
machines built for excess
programmed to need more
an oily, sparking abscess
leaking on the floor
have you ever felt the hunger?
the kind that won't subside?
a deep & tireless hunger gnawing away at your insides
who would build a monster?
who'd dig up these parts?
who'd flip the switch to on for
a hyperactive heart?
have you ever felt the panic?
the certainty you'll die?
a dark, unfounded panic-- an empty hole in your insides
archetypal creatures
effigies for pain
late night double features
every one the same
only built for fury
not to receive care
to stand before a jury
who doesn't see us there
have you ever felt the fire?
the flames that only rise?
a wild & untamed fire eating a hole through your insides
have you ever felt the hunger?
have you ever felt the hunger?
have you ever felt the hunger?
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5. |
laundromat
02:33
|
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there's nothing more embarrassing to admit
than having a body & having to sustain it
if you see me on the street
remember: i don't sleep, & i don't eat
if you see me at the laundromat
don't make eye contact
there's nothing that i fear & crave more
than a hand on my body-- in my hand at the store
if you see me walking by
remember: i don't laugh, & i don't cry
if you see me getting groceries
just ignore me, please
i wish it were a secret i could keep
lock up this empty body somewhere dark, somewhere deep
if you see me out at night
remember: it's a trick of the light
if you think you see my hair or skin
no you didn't. no-one's in
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6. |
choleric
02:58
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of all the things i never claimed, i would say certainly
in the top five is a shred of authenticity
nothing about me is original, or even real
even i can't trust or believe in the things that i feel
whatever deficit i carry, whatever i lack
whatever it is inside me that makes me such a hack
a thousand chemicals & cliches tossed into a pile
maybe my humours are unbalanced-- too much yellow bile
the hardest part to think about
the thing that shakes me to my core
the things that will eventually kill me
don't even, don't even fulfill me anymore
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7. |
i couldn't
04:40
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meet my eyes, if you can catch them
i know you need satisfaction
if you ever forgave me, baby
meet my eyes, heavy as they are
i know i might have gone too far
if you ever forgave me, baby
meet my eyes, all soft and candle-lit
i know i'm probably damned a bit
if you ever forgave me, baby
i couldn't handle it
i couldn't handle it
i couldn't handle, handle, handle it
i couldn't handle it
i couldn't handle it
i couldn't handle it
i couldn't
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8. |
wonder
03:06
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a year ago you brought me chocolate
two years ago, you brought me candy
for years and years, you brought me valentine's
now it's been sometime
i wonder if you're going to meetings
i wonder if you think of me
i look them up sporadically
i wonder if you worry
i wonder if you read ancient e-mails sometimes
i know that i do
i look them up & think of you
but really, that is nothing new
messages we wrote when we were fifteen
i know you didn't mean to be mean
you never knew how to spell, but i know you meant well
messages we wrote when we'd been drinking
i don't think either of us was thinking
it wasn't something i planned-- i hope you understand
i know skype said it was my birthday
i know it did
for years & years you would have come over
now we're both older
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9. |
donor card
02:59
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i have good vision & some solid bones
i hope that makes up for my lungs
all of the parts that can be used, let them be used
if i leave anything that runs
wrap up whatever's left in cloth
forget the wood, skip on the box
it is just dirt
it doesn't hurt
don't fill me full of chemicals, i did enough of them
don't paint my body up for show
don't let me poison anything, i did enough of that
for once, let me help something grow
wrap up whatever's left in cloth
forget the stone, welcome the moss
it doesn't hurt
it is just dirt
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10. |
remarkable
04:29
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i try to be patient; i know we're all trying
life is just a series of realisations that we're dying
it's remarkable to just withstand the weight
of the existential horror we face every day
when faced by the infinite dark
we put our tiny fists up
spitefully try to leave a mark
you couldn't make this shit up
i work to be gentle; i know we're all working
hard to not give into forces that are always lurking
all these moving pieces, these liquids & bones
what is more fragile than the vessels that we call home?
when faced by the unending dark
we put our tiny fists up
desperately trying to leave a mark
you couldn't make this shit up
everyone staring down the void
with all our tiny fists up
somehow still find moments of joy
you couldn't make this shit up
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people you meet outside of bars Ottawa, Ontario
hi we're people you meet outside of bars & i'm satah. welcome to gay goth vibes dot online, my collection of big feelings. i like to sing about stuff that hearts do, like stopping forever or breaking or going too fast
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