liquids & bones

by people you meet outside of bars

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1.
love feels an awful lot like fear is it supposed to? i barely breathe when you are near do i engross you? who i am in the morning doesn't recognise myself at night who i am without warning when i see your smile in the moonlight love feels familiar to me now it's like grieving it doesn't matter, anyhow you'll be leaving who am i when i'm walking past your house while i call your phone? who am i now i'm balking at the thought of being alone? love feels like any other doubt it consumes me you're not all that i think about but you'll soon be
2.
02:14
sorting through all these rotting boxes of photos yellowed paperwork and letters i guess i'll mostly leave behind data when i go is that any better? do not stand at my grave and weep, i am not there i'm in the code, i'm in the symbols i'm in stuff i don't understand that travels through the air i'm in the signal nothing changes i've always been just words text on pages is where i live & it's where i am interred
3.
01:56
old streets, old anxieties what if we meet? can't relax, can't be at ease what if someone's looking out their window? what if someone tries to come say hello? what if they know? what do they know? old coat, new anxieties stuck in my throat bitter friends, bitter enemies lick my lips a little bit too often steel my gaze & do not let it soften nobody knows. what could they know?
4.
04:35
we're only built for pity not to receive love skulking 'round a city we'll never be part of machines built for excess programmed to need more an oily, sparking abscess leaking on the floor have you ever felt the hunger? the kind that won't subside? a deep & tireless hunger gnawing away at your insides who would build a monster? who'd dig up these parts? who'd flip the switch to on for a hyperactive heart? have you ever felt the panic? the certainty you'll die? a dark, unfounded panic-- an empty hole in your insides archetypal creatures effigies for pain late night double features every one the same only built for fury not to receive care to stand before a jury who doesn't see us there have you ever felt the fire? the flames that only rise? a wild & untamed fire eating a hole through your insides have you ever felt the hunger? have you ever felt the hunger? have you ever felt the hunger?
5.
02:33
there's nothing more embarrassing to admit than having a body & having to sustain it if you see me on the street remember: i don't sleep, & i don't eat if you see me at the laundromat don't make eye contact there's nothing that i fear & crave more than a hand on my body-- in my hand at the store if you see me walking by remember: i don't laugh, & i don't cry if you see me getting groceries just ignore me, please i wish it were a secret i could keep lock up this empty body somewhere dark, somewhere deep if you see me out at night remember: it's a trick of the light if you think you see my hair or skin no you didn't. no-one's in
6.
02:58
of all the things i never claimed, i would say certainly in the top five is a shred of authenticity nothing about me is original, or even real even i can't trust or believe in the things that i feel whatever deficit i carry, whatever i lack whatever it is inside me that makes me such a hack a thousand chemicals & cliches tossed into a pile maybe my humours are unbalanced-- too much yellow bile the hardest part to think about the thing that shakes me to my core the things that will eventually kill me don't even, don't even fulfill me anymore
7.
04:40
meet my eyes, if you can catch them i know you need satisfaction if you ever forgave me, baby meet my eyes, heavy as they are i know i might have gone too far if you ever forgave me, baby meet my eyes, all soft and candle-lit i know i'm probably damned a bit if you ever forgave me, baby i couldn't handle it i couldn't handle it i couldn't handle, handle, handle it i couldn't handle it i couldn't handle it i couldn't handle it i couldn't
8.
03:06
a year ago you brought me chocolate two years ago, you brought me candy for years and years, you brought me valentine's now it's been sometime i wonder if you're going to meetings i wonder if you think of me i look them up sporadically i wonder if you worry i wonder if you read ancient e-mails sometimes i know that i do i look them up & think of you but really, that is nothing new messages we wrote when we were fifteen i know you didn't mean to be mean you never knew how to spell, but i know you meant well messages we wrote when we'd been drinking i don't think either of us was thinking it wasn't something i planned-- i hope you understand i know skype said it was my birthday i know it did for years & years you would have come over now we're both older
9.
02:59
i have good vision & some solid bones i hope that makes up for my lungs all of the parts that can be used, let them be used if i leave anything that runs wrap up whatever's left in cloth forget the wood, skip on the box it is just dirt it doesn't hurt don't fill me full of chemicals, i did enough of them don't paint my body up for show don't let me poison anything, i did enough of that for once, let me help something grow wrap up whatever's left in cloth forget the stone, welcome the moss it doesn't hurt it is just dirt
10.
04:29
i try to be patient; i know we're all trying life is just a series of realisations that we're dying it's remarkable to just withstand the weight of the existential horror we face every day when faced by the infinite dark we put our tiny fists up spitefully try to leave a mark you couldn't make this shit up i work to be gentle; i know we're all working hard to not give into forces that are always lurking all these moving pieces, these liquids & bones what is more fragile than the vessels that we call home? when faced by the unending dark we put our tiny fists up desperately trying to leave a mark you couldn't make this shit up everyone staring down the void with all our tiny fists up somehow still find moments of joy you couldn't make this shit up

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the intimacy & terror of existing in a fleeting body that can need & want & be seen

trent radio RPM 2018

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released February 28, 2018

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people you meet outside of bars Peterborough, Ontario

hi, i'm satah. welcome to gay goth vibes dot online, my collection of big feelings. i like to sing about stuff that hearts do, like stopping forever or breaking or going too fast or whatever

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