liquids & bones

by people you meet outside of bars

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the intimacy & terror of existing in a fleeting body that can need & want & be seen

trent radio RPM 2018


released February 28, 2018




people you meet outside of bars Peterborough, Ontario

hi, i'm satah. welcome to gay goth vibes dot online, my collection of big feelings. i like to sing about stuff that hearts do, like stopping forever or breaking or going too fast or whatever
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Track Name: like any other
love feels an awful lot like fear
is it supposed to?
i barely breathe when you are near
do i engross you?

who i am in the morning doesn't recognise myself at night
who i am without warning when i see your smile in the moonlight

love feels familiar to me now
it's like grieving
it doesn't matter, anyhow
you'll be leaving

who am i when i'm walking past your house while i call your phone?
who am i now i'm balking at the thought of being alone?

love feels like any other doubt
it consumes me
you're not all that i think about
but you'll soon be
Track Name: liveonline
sorting through all these rotting boxes of photos
yellowed paperwork and letters
i guess i'll mostly leave behind data when i go
is that any better?

do not stand at my grave and weep, i am not there
i'm in the code, i'm in the symbols
i'm in stuff i don't understand that travels through the air
i'm in the signal

nothing changes
i've always been just words
text on pages is where i live
& it's where i am interred
Track Name: prodigal
old streets, old anxieties
what if we meet?
can't relax, can't be at ease

what if someone's looking out their window?
what if someone tries to come say hello?
what if they know? what do they know?

old coat, new anxieties
stuck in my throat
bitter friends, bitter enemies

lick my lips a little bit too often
steel my gaze & do not let it soften
nobody knows. what could they know?
Track Name: built
we're only built for pity
not to receive love
skulking 'round a city
we'll never be part of

machines built for excess
programmed to need more
an oily, sparking abscess
leaking on the floor

have you ever felt the hunger?
the kind that won't subside?
a deep & tireless hunger gnawing away at your insides

who would build a monster?
who'd dig up these parts?
who'd flip the switch to on for
a hyperactive heart?

have you ever felt the panic?
the certainty you'll die?
a dark, unfounded panic-- an empty hole in your insides

archetypal creatures
effigies for pain
late night double features
every one the same

only built for fury
not to receive care
to stand before a jury
who doesn't see us there

have you ever felt the fire?
the flames that only rise?
a wild & untamed fire eating a hole through your insides

have you ever felt the hunger?
have you ever felt the hunger?
have you ever felt the hunger?
Track Name: laundromat
there's nothing more embarrassing to admit
than having a body & having to sustain it

if you see me on the street
remember: i don't sleep, & i don't eat
if you see me at the laundromat
don't make eye contact

there's nothing that i fear & crave more
than a hand on my body-- in my hand at the store

if you see me walking by
remember: i don't laugh, & i don't cry
if you see me getting groceries
just ignore me, please

i wish it were a secret i could keep
lock up this empty body somewhere dark, somewhere deep

if you see me out at night
remember: it's a trick of the light
if you think you see my hair or skin
no you didn't. no-one's in
Track Name: choleric
of all the things i never claimed, i would say certainly
in the top five is a shred of authenticity
nothing about me is original, or even real
even i can't trust or believe in the things that i feel

whatever deficit i carry, whatever i lack
whatever it is inside me that makes me such a hack
a thousand chemicals & cliches tossed into a pile
maybe my humours are unbalanced-- too much yellow bile

the hardest part to think about
the thing that shakes me to my core
the things that will eventually kill me
don't even, don't even fulfill me anymore
Track Name: i couldn't
meet my eyes, if you can catch them
i know you need satisfaction

if you ever forgave me, baby

meet my eyes, heavy as they are
i know i might have gone too far

if you ever forgave me, baby

meet my eyes, all soft and candle-lit
i know i'm probably damned a bit

if you ever forgave me, baby
i couldn't handle it
i couldn't handle it
i couldn't handle, handle, handle it

i couldn't handle it
i couldn't handle it
i couldn't handle it

i couldn't
Track Name: wonder
a year ago you brought me chocolate
two years ago, you brought me candy
for years and years, you brought me valentine's
now it's been sometime

i wonder if you're going to meetings
i wonder if you think of me
i look them up sporadically
i wonder if you worry

i wonder if you read ancient e-mails sometimes
i know that i do
i look them up & think of you
but really, that is nothing new

messages we wrote when we were fifteen
i know you didn't mean to be mean
you never knew how to spell, but i know you meant well

messages we wrote when we'd been drinking
i don't think either of us was thinking
it wasn't something i planned-- i hope you understand

i know skype said it was my birthday
i know it did
for years & years you would have come over
now we're both older
Track Name: donor card
i have good vision & some solid bones
i hope that makes up for my lungs
all of the parts that can be used, let them be used
if i leave anything that runs

wrap up whatever's left in cloth
forget the wood, skip on the box
it is just dirt
it doesn't hurt

don't fill me full of chemicals, i did enough of them
don't paint my body up for show
don't let me poison anything, i did enough of that
for once, let me help something grow

wrap up whatever's left in cloth
forget the stone, welcome the moss
it doesn't hurt
it is just dirt
Track Name: remarkable
i try to be patient; i know we're all trying
life is just a series of realisations that we're dying
it's remarkable to just withstand the weight
of the existential horror we face every day

when faced by the infinite dark
we put our tiny fists up
spitefully try to leave a mark
you couldn't make this shit up

i work to be gentle; i know we're all working
hard to not give into forces that are always lurking
all these moving pieces, these liquids & bones
what is more fragile than the vessels that we call home?

when faced by the unending dark
we put our tiny fists up
desperately trying to leave a mark
you couldn't make this shit up

everyone staring down the void
with all our tiny fists up
somehow still find moments of joy
you couldn't make this shit up

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