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1.
i don't know what to feel or do when i see these yellowed photos of you i don't know how to reconcile our shared nose, our shared smile i'd understand if i were not welcome to visit your burial plot or be present at your interment i don't even know if that's been determined i made my choices i was young i have to believe they were the right ones i have to believe in a hurt little girl making hard decisions
2.
how do i deal with the questions the ones that i have, that your friends have for me how do i process perceptions the ones that i have vs. ones from the stories where can i find any answers am i predisposed to particular cancers am i at risk for addiction should i have more guidelines or tighter restrictions am i all of the things that i hated in you if i had a kid, would they cut me out too would they be justified, or should they have tried a little bit harder to work some things through how do i deal with the comments on the web from your friends, in the web of our lives how can i be something honest if they want to delve right down into our archives where can i find out about you am i something molded, or something brand new am i at risk for obsession should i talk to someone about my discretions am i all of the things that i hated in you if i were cut off, would i stalk someone too would i be justified, or should i have tried a little bit harder to see from their view do you think that i was unfair do you know why i did what i had to do did you not think, or just not care or misunderstand why i couldn't see you are you a monster, or am i can i be mad you didn't even try to respect the space i was buildin' i need to know which one of us was the villain what was it like to grow up like you did how badly was your life fucked up by your kid would i be justified if i say i tried as hard as i could not to be too rabid
3.
"she is survived by her beloved daughter "who never bothered to even call her "hell or high water, the fucking rotter "she is survived by an ungrateful insect "with zero respect, who only rejects "who only neglects, her ego unchecked "she is survived by a human black hole "a thing with no soul, a heart like charcoal "a vindictive troll hungry for control "a walking dead end who can't keep a friend "a wretched creature with no kind features "a sorry excuse for substance abuse "the biggest mistake a person can make"
4.
i am compassionate i have grown up a bit i have not aged gracefully, i'm first to admit i was an angry kid sure, there were things you did but i have more context the more years that i live i understand stuff like being sick is rough and i know much better now how your life was tough i have a moment of weak- or of kindness i give you my e-mail address through my big sis forgive me, please, i've got two jobs, and it's a lot and when i think of you, well, my stomach still knots let's meet on neutral ground at a cafe downtown please make no mistakes-- this doesn't mean my guard's down focus on feeling a pinch or a hair pull i'm softer, yessir, but i am still careful i get there way before you just to watch the door i am in control here, this is what i asked for we are both nervous, you talk more than i do it's, frankly, a service-- don't know what i'd tell you it's nice to see you happy maybe it's nice to see you maybe if i'm diligent maybe i can feel safe and maybe this can continue
5.
02:19
of course i wasn't ready of course i found out what you did the secrets to keep up with your kid "of course she did," they all say "of course-- she must have been so sad "don't you know that you hurt her so bad?" i guess it's good to know that the whole time no-one was on my side everyone lied of course i know that's not true of course-- they're trying, they're just shocked they're doing their best with what they've got of course i am not evil of course! no-one said that i was though they might say, "it is as it does" i guess it's good to know that there is no one person to blame accidents happen every day & nobody tells me to my face i cannot be redeemed of course, nobody has to i know what they mean
6.
04:09
i wore the wrong colour everyone's looking at me "you must be the kid," they say i smile politely and hide in the bathroom to take several deep breaths no-one is eloquent in the face of death i'll toast to that i'll toast to that they say, "she loved you," accusingly "she loved you," so bruisingly i'll toast to that i'll toast to that they say, "she missed you" with eyebrows raised "she mjssed you 'til her dying day" i'll toast to that i'll toast to that to hugging strangers who seem to know me to avoiding questions surreptitiously to keeping quiet, to living in fear every day for thirteen-ish years to part of the reason that i'm able to drink almost anyone under the table i'll toast to that i'll toast to that i'll toast to that
7.
02:01
there was going to be more time but you can't rely on timing in a coffee shop bathroom in a small town, someone's crying there's a scene that re-occurs at dark picnic benches, unseen someone fixes up their face by the dim light of their phone screen there was work still to be done but sometimes, things don't work out become an expert at touch-ups never let them see you pout
8.
02:40
three visits after it becomes mine i drive away from your house for the last time hyperventilating quietly in the back seat while my eyeliner streaks i took a sweater and a couple of shelves and the knowledge i will never fully understand myself a fall sun sets on the property i scour your journals for your thoughts about me flipping quickly through handwritten poems and old photos my desperation shows i hoard burned CDs and brand new unknowns and quiet thoughts that i will never really truly have a home and i i i will never fully understand
9.
01:32
if i sleep without a drink if i give myself the time to think everything grinds to a halt i still think it was my fault

about

nothing’s different, because i didn’t talk to her anyway. i didn’t want to talk to her, not really-- not as a longterm thing. nothing’s different.

credits

released September 29, 2017

thanks to:
sarah and bruce for letting me half live with them for several months
caleb for actually living with me and unpacking the house while i left to meet with a lawyer
my sister for crossing an ocean to be by my side
gordon's for taking care of the estate
viet, sunny, & dorian for listening to the thing when i was losing my mind over having sat alone with it for too long

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about

people you meet outside of bars Peterborough, Ontario

hi, i'm satah. welcome to gay goth vibes dot online, my collection of big feelings. i like to sing about stuff that hearts do, like stopping forever or breaking or going too fast or whatever

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