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about

nothing’s different, because i didn’t talk to her anyway. i didn’t want to talk to her, not really-- not as a longterm thing. nothing’s different.

credits

released September 29, 2017

thanks to:
sarah and bruce for letting me half live with them for several months
caleb for actually living with me and unpacking the house while i left to meet with a lawyer
my sister for crossing an ocean to be by my side
gordon's for taking care of the estate
viet, sunny, & dorian for listening to the thing when i was losing my mind over having sat alone with it for too long

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about

people you meet outside of bars Peterborough, Ontario

hi, i'm satah. welcome to gay goth vibes dot online, my collection of big feelings & little instruments. i like to sing about stuff that hearts do, like stopping forever or breaking or going too fast or whatever

youtube.com/pymoob
facebook.com/pymoob
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Track Name: september 1st, early
i don't know what to feel or do
when i see these yellowed photos of you
i don't know how to reconcile
our shared nose, our shared smile

i'd understand if i were not
welcome to visit your burial plot
or be present at your interment
i don't even know if that's been determined

i made my choices i was young
i have to believe they were the right ones
i have to believe in
a hurt little girl making hard decisions
Track Name: august 31st, late
how do i deal with the questions
the ones that i have, that your friends have for me
how do i process perceptions
the ones that i have vs. ones from the stories

where can i find any answers
am i predisposed to particular cancers
am i at risk for addiction
should i have more guidelines or tighter restrictions

am i all of the things that i hated in you
if i had a kid, would they cut me out too
would they be justified, or should they have tried
a little bit harder to work some things through

how do i deal with the comments
on the web from your friends, in the web of our lives
how can i be something honest
if they want to delve right down into our archives

where can i find out about you
am i something molded, or something brand new
am i at risk for obsession
should i talk to someone about my discretions

am i all of the things that i hated in you
if i were cut off, would i stalk someone too
would i be justified, or should i have tried
a little bit harder to see from their view

do you think that i was unfair
do you know why i did what i had to do
did you not think, or just not care
or misunderstand why i couldn't see you

are you a monster, or am i
can i be mad you didn't even try
to respect the space i was buildin'
i need to know which one of us was the villain

what was it like to grow up like you did
how badly was your life fucked up by your kid
would i be justified if i say i tried
as hard as i could not to be too rabid
Track Name: public notice
"she is survived by her beloved daughter
"who never bothered to even call her
"hell or high water, the fucking rotter

"she is survived by an ungrateful insect
"with zero respect, who only rejects
"who only neglects, her ego unchecked

"she is survived by a human black hole
"a thing with no soul, a heart like charcoal
"a vindictive troll hungry for control

"a walking dead end who can't keep a friend

"a wretched creature with no kind features

"a sorry excuse for substance abuse

"the biggest mistake a person can make"
Track Name: (a couple years back)
i am compassionate
i have grown up a bit
i have not aged gracefully, i'm first to admit

i was an angry kid
sure, there were things you did
but i have more context the more years that i live

i understand stuff
like being sick is rough
and i know much better now how your life was tough

i have a moment of weak- or of kindness
i give you my e-mail address through my big sis

forgive me, please, i've got
two jobs, and it's a lot
and when i think of you, well, my stomach still knots

let's meet on neutral ground
at a cafe downtown
please make no mistakes-- this doesn't mean my guard's down

focus on feeling a pinch or a hair pull
i'm softer, yessir, but i am still careful

i get there way before
you just to watch the door
i am in control here, this is what i asked for

we are both nervous, you talk more than i do
it's, frankly, a service-- don't know what i'd tell you

it's nice to see you happy
maybe it's nice to see you
maybe if i'm diligent
maybe i can feel safe and
maybe this can continue
Track Name: paperwork
of course i wasn't ready
of course i found out what you did
the secrets to keep up with your kid

"of course she did," they all say
"of course-- she must have been so sad
"don't you know that you hurt her so bad?"

i guess it's good to know that the whole time no-one was on my side
everyone lied

of course i know that's not true
of course-- they're trying, they're just shocked
they're doing their best with what they've got

of course i am not evil
of course! no-one said that i was
though they might say, "it is as it does"

i guess it's good to know that there is no one person to blame
accidents happen every day

& nobody tells me to my face i cannot be redeemed
of course, nobody has to
i know what they mean
Track Name: memorial
i wore the wrong colour
everyone's looking at me
"you must be the kid," they say
i smile politely
and hide in the bathroom to take several deep breaths
no-one is eloquent in the face of death

i'll toast to that
i'll toast to that

they say, "she loved you," accusingly
"she loved you," so bruisingly

i'll toast to that
i'll toast to that

they say, "she missed you" with eyebrows raised
"she mjssed you 'til her dying day"

i'll toast to that
i'll toast to that

to hugging strangers who seem to know me
to avoiding questions surreptitiously
to keeping quiet, to living in fear
every day for thirteen-ish years
to part of the reason that i'm able
to drink almost anyone under the table

i'll toast to that
i'll toast to that
i'll toast to that
Track Name: front-facing
there was going to be more time
but you can't rely on timing
in a coffee shop bathroom
in a small town, someone's crying

there's a scene that re-occurs
at dark picnic benches, unseen
someone fixes up their face
by the dim light of their phone screen

there was work still to be done
but sometimes, things don't work out
become an expert at touch-ups
never let them see you pout
Track Name: sold!
three visits after it becomes mine
i drive away from your house for the last time
hyperventilating quietly in the back seat
while my eyeliner streaks

i took a sweater and a couple of shelves
and the knowledge i will never fully understand myself

a fall sun sets on the property
i scour your journals for your thoughts about me
flipping quickly through handwritten poems and old photos
my desperation shows

i hoard burned CDs and brand new unknowns
and quiet thoughts that i will never really truly have a home

and i
i
i will never fully understand
Track Name: tax season
if i sleep without a drink
if i give myself the time to think
everything grinds to a halt
i still think it was my fault

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