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some apologies & some gratitude


released December 29, 2019

thank you to: kyha, karol, sara, dan, blair, & BP for quietly & loudly encouraging me to keep at least engaging with the general concept of art when i felt like i was eating bricks 24/7




people you meet outside of bars Peterborough, Ontario

hi, i'm satah. welcome to gay goth vibes dot online, my collection of big feelings. i like to sing about stuff that hearts do, like stopping forever or breaking or going too fast or whatever

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Track Name: basting
everyone sees your garter belt
everything holding you together
everything you've ever felt
all of your lace, all of your leather

nothing held back
nothing picking up the slack

everyone sees right through your tricks
every stitch that's falling out
every temporary fix
you never did anything about

nothing held tight
nothing putting up a fight

five foot seven inches of loose thread
you might as well go back to bed
Track Name: indoor kid
i was an indoor kid & i spend a lot of time at home
& i will probably die just like my mother did:
drunk & alone

i'm sorry; that's no-one's business
but every haunting needs a witness

my engine runs on fright & i barely shut my aching eyes
& i will probably die like any other night:
exhausted & high

i'm sorry; that's not your problem
but sometimes hauntings end up solemn

i'm sorry; i get nervous
but most times, i deserve it
Track Name: heart.gif
at the show like, "i'm sorry if i seem in my head
"i really wanna be here, but also want to be dead"

i'm sorry you heard me through the wall
i'm sorry you can hear me ever, ever at all

i've been eating, i've been outside, i have been sleeping
still the shadows come a-creepin'

i'm sorry you found me on the floor
i'm sorry for all the other times before

you put your hand on my hand & say, "it's alright"
& i don't believe you, but it gets me through the night

i'm sorry i'm always crying
i am sorry-- i promise that i'll keep trying
Track Name: told you so
i'm the fool who asked, "are you sure?"
& half-believed you when you said you were
i recognise roads to resentment
i'm sorry that you thought you meant it

i know, i know you had to go
in my defense, i told you so

another friendship overpowered
another person i've devoured

you tell the flame, "i won't get burned"
then retreated, blistered, lesson learned
i said from the start i was on fire
i'm many things, but not a liar

you choked, you choked on smoke
& all the words we never spoke

i shared my vision, seen so clearly
a future where you can't be near me
you said, "you're not a fucking prophet"
i know that. but i know this topic

my dear, my dear, give it a year
you'll regret our whole career

so on & such. i'm too much.
i break the hands to which i clutch
Track Name: after all
four or five years, not a word
now you're here, or so i've heard
there is so much to catch up on
thanks for chancing this liaison
but after all, it was your turn to call

there are queries, there's no closure
i had theories, but it's over
it's just lovely to hear your voice
no need to walk me through your choice
after all, once you were a port of call

let's not go there; let's not do this
you don't owe any excuses
after all, someone had to make the call

but if you maybe wanna talk about it
if you maybe wanna talk about it
if you maybe wanna talk about it

i'd like to have that conversation
i'd like to open up that line of communication

if you maybe, if you maybe, just maybe want to talk

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